August 24th 2016 – Manchester City vs Chesterfield
The EFL Cup begins only days after Manchester City’s emphatic win away at Stoke. Cosby is asked before the game just how seriously he intends to take the cups, to which his response is just to blow a raspberry whilst shrugging.
The perceived lack of commitment is somewhat reflected in the teamsheet, which is littered with youth players. This is something that Manchester City fans have been calling to see for quite some time and, ironically, playing such a weak team actually goes down rather well amongst the fanbase. Will Patching and Tosin Adarabioyo stand out as two players who have been with Manchester City through all age groups. Brand new signing, Felix Passlack, who has been snapped up from Dortmund for only £3m, makes his debut.
The game is noticeably different to the ones which have preceded it. The team are rusty and not used to playing with each other, it’s clear to see that the fringe squad players and youngsters aren’t as capable of the fast, powerful football of the first team.
This opinion is compounded when Chesterfield take a shock lead as there’s a mix-up between Matthijs De Ligt and Donnarumma, allowing the opposition striker to latch onto the ball and tuck it away. Cosby is absolutely fuming on the sidelines, screaming at his coaching staff and throwing a bottle of Volvic at the subs. He is even seen grabbing his goalkeeping coach by the scruff of the neck, yelling into his face.
Cosby changes the formation of the team slightly, moving into a more attacking shape. Neves moves up into central midfield to sit alongside Patching, allowing the highly-rated Brahim Diaz to push up behind Iheanacho. It’s a bold strategy which leaves little cover for the inexperienced centre-back partnership of Adarabioyo and De Ligt.
The risk soon pays off. Mbappé breaks away on the left, dribbling past his full-back with ease before squaring the ball to Iheanacho, who only has to tap it into an open net. The teams go in at half-time all square, but the performance has been anything but convincing from the home side.
Microphones placed in the tunnel can hear the echoes of Cosby’s half-time team talk, which takes the phrase ‘hairdryer treatment’ to a whole new level. Various kicking, slamming and screaming can be heard from the dressing room. The players exit the dressing room looking sheepish as they trudge onto the pitch, though Cosby does not emerge from the dressing room. He stays in the dressing room for the rest of the game, which they go on to win 3-1.
August 31st 2016 – Transfer Deadline Day
City follow their EFL Cup victory with a hard-earned 1-0 victory at West Ham, with Felix Passlack scoring the only goal of the game for the team. When asked afterwards if the difficulty of the last two results were a bit of a wake-up call about how tough the job can actually be, Bill Cosby donned a pair of sunglasses, putting a gold chain over his tracksuit and smiling blankly into the distance, replying:
I’m just here so I don’t get fined.
He then proceeded to answer every remaining question in the press conference with this same answer, smirking all the while.
Transfer Deadline Day arrives and, after lubing up and tugging one out in his dressing room to footage of Andy Carroll signing for Liverpool, Jim White is out with his yellow tie in a desperate bid to convince us all that, in a world of social media, Sky Sports News is still worth watching on Deadline Day.
Reporters are gathered outside training grounds across the country, most of whom are regretting the five years they spent getting their Broadcasting Journalism masters degree as fans gather behind them in the pouring rain, taking it in turns to slap reporters in the face with dildos and yelling “FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY”.
Not much of consequence takes place for the first six hours of the day. Wild reports circulate as random people on Twitter claim to have spotted players at airports, reports that Sky Sports News latch on to in a bid to keep people interested. Guillem Balague drops the biggest transfer news of the day with rumours of a shock return for Mesut Özil to the Bernebau.
Of course, Balague’s journalistic credentials are highlighted when Barcelona announce that they have signed Özil only half an hour after this claim is made.
Arsenal fans take to Twitter in their millions, with most disappointed to see Özil, a player that many Gunners would claim is world class, leave the club, although some understand why he would want to join Barcelona. Others are happy he’s left, tweeting out that one video clip of him strolling around the centre circle against Manchester City and saying how lazy he is, many justifying this with the phrase, “even Gary Neville said so”.
If Arsenal fans are disappointed now, it’s nothing on the bombshell that is about to be dropped on The Emirates. At around 18:00, BBC Radio Manchester gets the inside track on apparent contact between Manchester City and Arsenal over the signing of Arsenal’s prodigious right-back, Hector Bellerin. The initial reports claim that Arsenal have immediately responded with a “no sale” warning. Two hours later, City have had a £25m bid accepted.
Bill Cosby exits the training ground shortly after this bid is made public knowledge, driving past the reporters at 50mph with ‘Jizz In My Pants’ by The Lonely Island blaring out of his car’s speakers.
When Bellerin is spotted entering the Wilmslow hospital where City players are known to go for medicals, the pictures go viral immediately and Arsenal fans go into absolute meltdown. Some fans post videos of Bellerin shirts being burned, whilst many tweet abuse directly to Bellerin himself, calling him Spanish Nasri and Hect-whore Bellerin, each of which is accompanied by roughly twenty snake emojis. One fan posts a video of a new chant he’s created for Arsenal fans to sing when they next play Bellerin, saying, “You’re just a shit Kylo Ren, a shit Kylo Ren, you’re just a shit Kylo Ren”. Needless to say, this goes straight to the top of r/soccer within hours and the fan soon deletes his Twitter account.
These violent outbursts on Twitter, however, have nothing on the shitstorm that follows on Arsenal Fan TV. Troopz spends roughly eleven minutes calling Bellerin a snake before going in on Wenger for allowing him to leave.
£25m, fam? You tellin’ me dat Hector fuckin’ Bellerin is only worth £25m, blud? If Hector Bellerin is worth £25m, den Özil must be worth about £10m, and we just robbed Barca for £46m for him, blud! Ugetme? Fam, I thought after Van Persie, dese days were over, sellin’ our best players every year. Why have we sold him to Man City, blud? Why, fam? I’ll tell you why, it’s because our manager is fuckin’ spineless, bruv. For real. Dis guy has got to go. Özil leaving, I could take dat, but Bellerin as well? Nah, bruv. Nah, fam. No way, bruv. Wenger has got to go, blud! We can’t put up wiv dis any longer, fam! Da banners are comin’ out. All season long, bruv. WE WANT WENGER OUT, I SAID WE WANT WENGER OUT. WE WANT WENGER OUT, I SAID WE WANT WENGER OUT!
In another video Claude is seen screaming into the microphone about how Wenger has lost the plot completely, while Ty, who looks pretty timid as he sips from his official Arsenal water bottle, mutters something about how Wenger might have been right to let Bellerin go because he might be crap at City.
As Bill Cosby lies on his sofa that night, he takes a sip from a glass of wine, watching the chaos unfold on BBC News as clips from Arsenal Fan TV spread across the media. Before going up to bed, he sends out one simple tweet.