Pre-Season: Part 2 – Aguero-A-Go-Go

July 18th 2016

After having time to sleep on the signing of Kylian Mbappé, Manchester City fans have become slightly more optimistic about the future. If this is the calibre of player they’re going to sign, the future is bright for the club, provided the club also finds a new manager in the process.

The following day two more signings are completed. Presnel Kimpembe is robbed from PSG for a meagre £7m, whilst Nico Elvedi is taken from Gladbach for £5m. Two of the world’s highest rated young centre-backs and one of the most exciting young wingers in the game have been brought into the club for less money than they sold Otamendi for.

The transfer policy at Manchester City has undertaken a serious change since the arrival of Bill Cosby, yet the fans still seem loathed to acknowledge any potential involvement of his in this. Cosby remains silent throughout the business, but that’s all about to change in the coming days…

July 20th 2016

Rumours begin to circulate that Manchester United have made enquiries about the availability of Sergio Agüero, which City fans immediately laugh off. Selling the club’s talisman and star player is one thing, selling him to a local rival would be absolute madness.

Any concerns regarding the future of Agüero are quickly swept aside as the club announce the fourth signing of the transfer window. After recent speculation, Gianluigi Donnarumma has said arrivederci to sunny Milan, opting instead for the blustery rains of Manchester. For a fee of £15m people are starting to take serious notice of the negotiating skills of Manchester City.

Bill Cosby finally snaps when Talksport’s Adrian Durham says that Cosby has the easiest job in management. On his DriveTime show he says:

Bill Cosby doesn’t really have a job, does he? He just has to sit there, pick a team and say ‘go on, play football’. That team is good enough to do the job without a manager. Simple as that. He doesn’t even have to do any of the transfers, the director of football just does everything for him. I doubt he has a hand in a single one of those new signings and any fan who thinks that he does is deluded. That’s right, I’ve said it. This is Talksport.

Cosby takes to Twitter in a spectacular rant, before taking a pot-shot at Adrian Durham himself.

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Manchester City, of course, decline to comment.

July 27th 2016

Manchester City fans wake up to worrying news. The Sun has managed to get the inside scoop on a story that suggests that Sergio Agüero to Manchester United is all but done, with a medical being the only thing in the way of the deal being completed.

The signing of Joshua Kimmich is announced literally five minutes after The Sun break the Agüero story, but it does nothing to halt the heavy fire the club is coming under. Pictures emerge later that day of Agüero being led into Carrington and shaking hands with Jose Mourinho.

BlueMoon goes into absolute meltdown, with some calling it the worst decision in the club’s history and others claiming that Cosby has effectively handed Manchester United the title by sanctioning this sale. Cosby reportedly has to be talked out of creating a BlueMoon account by the club’s Head of Communications.

At 20:00, Manchester United finally announce the purchase of Agüero. The hashtag #AguerooooOOOOOOOOOOO dominates the media for days and Manchester City fans across the country feel sick.

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Cosby’s tweet which follows the announcement tips fans over the edge and mass brawls take place in the city centre that night between City and United fans.

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Bill Cosby has gone too far.

August 4th 2016

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In the week that follows the £70m departure of Sergio Agüero, fans protest in their masses. Never before has a football club seen so much disgust from fans within just a pre-season. Social media is rife with Manchester City fans imploding whilst fans of every other club in the league laugh at them. The oil-rich success-buying plastics are finally getting their come-uppance.

The media has a field day, with Duncan Castles frequently being told by Jorge Mendes to tweet his absolute joy at the chaos unfolding within the Etihad.

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Other journalists have their say on the matter, with Robbie Savage appearing on BBC Radio 5 Live to make the bold claim that he would rather pay to watch Michael Carrick than Kylain Mbappe. Paul Merson and Phil Thompson release a 53 minute-long YouTube video in which they bemoan the lack of English talent being bought by the new City boss, with Merson making the headlines with this particular line:

There’s too many young, black French players in this league. Why are City combing the French league for young talent when they could be looking at Portsmouth or Accrington Stanley? Who the fuck is Gimpembo? Kimpembo? Kimpemby? I can’t even pronounce his name for fuck’s sake, we don’t know nothin’ about this boy. But we know he ain’t English, and that’s good enough for most managers these days.

Brexit supporters across the country call in to Talksport to defend Merson after he comes under attack from large sections of the media for his seemingly racially-charged outburst, with many saying that they aren’t racist but they also think there’s too many young, black foreign players in the league, one fan even pointing to Raheem Sterling as a prime example.

During this period, the transfer business being conducted by Manchester City goes almost unnoticed by the mainstream media, as the club sign Alex Grimaldo, Ruben Neves, Matthijs de Ligt and Tiemoué Bakayoko for nearly £40m combined.

There is now a week to go until the 2016/17 season begins and it’s safe to say that all eyes will be on Bill Cosby as he takes charge at The Etihad Stadium for the first time as they take on Sunderland.

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